CNN brings journalism back from the dead

The cynics who say the news media has stopped serving the public interest have officially been put on notice with CNN's scoop today that Avatar, the most expensive and therefore best movie ever made, is causing audiences to slip into bouts of depression because of the sheer awesomeness of the special effects. This hard-hitting investigation, which incidentally revolves entirely around the emotional lives of people who post on movie fan sites, reveals the plight of afflicted heroes like 'Elequin', who mourns:

"That's all I have been doing as of late, searching the Internet for more info about 'Avatar.' I guess that helps. It's so hard I can't force myself to think that it's just a movie, and to get over it, that living like the Na'vi will never happen. I think I need a rebound movie."

I hope he doesn't pick Steel Magnolias or something like that, because I think he'd probably slit his own wrists before he hit the credits. Says another user, 'Mike':

"Ever since I went to see 'Avatar' I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na'vi made me want to be one of them. I can't stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it," Mike posted. "I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and that everything is the same as in 'Avatar.' "

Did 'Mike' actually see Avatar? If I'm not mistaken, the defining feature of Pandora, besides 'sparkliness', was the fact that it was jam-packed with merciless killer space-dogs, space-rhinos, space-panthers, and space-flying-Komodo dragons. Plus, suicide seems like seems like kind of a risky plan. Think of all the repeat viewings of Avatar that 'Mike' will be missing out on if the whole Pandora-resurrection hypothesis doesn't pan out. Not to mention the special-edition Blu-Ray boxset, the inevitable sequel/s, and the chance to own what will probably be a very respectably detailed set of action figures.

As any respectable journalist knows, something isn't a real trend until you can find three separate people to attest to its existence, so behold the third member of the Avatar-caused depression epidemic:

"Reached via e-mail in Sweden where he is studying game design, Hill, 17, explained that his feelings of despair made him desperately want to escape reality."

J'accuse, Avatar! Not even a teenage boy pursuing a field of study widely associated with social isolation while living in a country with a 97% suicide rate is immune from your siren song of melancholy.

Fortunately, the article ends on a note of hope for these young men, who were almost certainly not suffering from any sort of mental issues before they bought a ticket to Avatar, or as CNN probably calls it, James Cameron's Abattoir of Souls. As is so often the case, they can find solace in the wisdom of their brethren:

"Within the fan community, suggestions for battling feelings of depression after seeing the movie include things like playing "Avatar" video games or downloading the movie soundtrack, in addition to encouraging members to relate to other people outside the virtual realm and to seek out positive and constructive activities."

It was good of them to throw those last two suggestions in there as a last-ditch resort, in case the whole playing video games and listening to the soundtrack thing somehow doesn't pan out.