Full disclosure: I've never really been that invested in the central mysteries of Lost being resolved in any meaningful way, so I doubt I'll wind up being that critical of whatever is aired tonight. Actually, the looseness and craziness of Lost is one of the things I like best about the show, along with the creators' willingness to screw with the audience, up to and including the time-travel and war-between-gods storylines of the past couple seasons. That antipenultimate episode two weeks ago, which focused almost entirely on two peripheral characters, used child actors, and didn't advance the main plot at all? I loved that shit. It was like that first-season South Park that pre-empted the reveal of Cartman's father with Terrance and Philip. Also, it inspired somebody on the Internet to make this:
I know the plurality of the Lost fanbase is expecting some sort of mindblower that'll tie all the unanswered mysteries together in a neat package, but I'm halfway hoping for something that'll piss people off. It'd be fitting. Narrative blue balls is the real secret ingredient of Lost.
8:01 PM: Wait - they're starting with a character montage set to a maudlin score? DO NOT WANT.
8:03: Desmond gets my vote for best Lost character, hands-down. Kate is probably the worst, particularly when she's whining (which is always) so her inclusion somewhat dampens my enjoyment of this scene.
8:06: Before the first commercial break, we've already had two self-referential winks at this show's tropes (Desmond refusing to explain anything to Kate, and the Sawyer-Kate quipping about telling her she can't come along). They'd better restrain this shit or it's going to be a long couple of hours.
8:09: I have to admit that I like Hurley a lot better this last season, although I can't quite put my finger on why. Maybe it's the fact that he actually serves some sort of narrative purpose now.
8:13: Ben Linus is my second-favorite Lost character. I'm wondering what kind of angle he's playing by allying with BlackLocke.
8:15: Could do without seeing Bernard and Rose again, but whatever.
8:18: Remember when you didn't shudder at the previews for Adam Sandler movies? That Grown-Ups movie looks like an elaborate parody rather than an actual movie.
8:20: There's Miles, aka the only remaining ethnic minority character in the main storyline since they killed off all the others in one scene three episodes ago. I'm not counting Rose in that tally because she doesn't count.
8:24: Is it racist that I've always been indifferent to the Sun-Jin storyline? And how many more flash-sideways epiphanies are we going to have to sit through in this episode? I'm guessing a lot - at least Kate, Sayid, Charlie, and Sawyer are still in the pipe.
8:31: Now Richard Alpert is mortal and coincidentally no longer suicidal.
8:33: Also, Frank Lapides survived the submarine explosion, because he's white.
8:34: Knowing wink number 3: "You're sort of the obvious choice." - BlackLocke to GodJack
8:36: Oh, right. Toy Story 3 is coming out this year. I hope it lives up to the second one.
8:39: I'm kind of indifferent to the revelation that Juliet is Jack's ex-wife in flash-sideways world.
8:43: Now GodJack and BlackLocke are throwing Desmond into the magic waterfall for some reason that I don't understand.
8:44: The Target ads featuring the smoke monster as an ad for a smoke detector sale is a bit much. I guess a bit of craven selling-out during the finale isn't going to hurt the show's legacy. Wait, now there's one for keyboards featuring the countdown-reset stuff from Season 2.
8:45: I wonder if the producers of the Ashton Kutcher-Katherine Heigl flick Killers cast their movie based on the tops of nationwide surveys of most annoying celebrities, male and female division.
8:49: Remember the Seinfeld series finale, where they shoehorned in every bit character in the show's history? This is turning into that. Boone and Shannon just showed up in flash-sideways world.
8:51: I kind of like the way Lost turned Claire into the new Rosseau this season.
8:53: I hope Desmond doesn't die halfway through this thing. That would suck.
8:54: I'm up for seeing Get Him To The Greek. That character was the best thing about Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
8:55: "Doing more and trying more depends on your attitude, not your birth control!" Isn't the birth control pill something that sells itself? Why is this shit necessary?
8:59: Basic outline for this episode: "Remember all those elaborate character connections we developed over five-plus seasons? We're going to recreate all of them at the rate of one every 30 seconds over the course of an hour and a half!" It comes across as kind of pat, which is something I always felt Lost did a pretty good job of avoiding.
9:02: Now Desmond is down in the magic fountain, which is shooting magic light at him, which doesn't really affect him because he's special. He pulls out a big rock blocking a hole in the fountain and everything goes dark. So the wine-bottle stopper metaphor for the island as presented by Jacob wasn't really a metaphor at all. I've noticed that making past elements of the show seem retroactively less subtle is sort of a theme of this episode.
9:04: Now BlackLocke can feel pain, just in time for a brief fistfight with GodJack. Guess that means the rules about the gods not being able to attack and kill each other are rendered null and void. That probably frees BlackLocke up to thin out the character count a little, as this episode has been disappointingly short on shocking deaths so far.
9:08: You can get breakfast at motherfucking Subway now?
9:10: A scene where characters have to deliver a baby without the help of a doctor? What's next, a hilarious dilemma with Sawyer inadvertently making dates with two women on the same night?
9:14: Speaking of retroactive effects, this tearjerker reunion bullshit really flies in the face of Lost's former willingness to kill off major characters. Charlie's dead, damn it, and I liked it that way!
9:17: Now an epic cliffside smackdown between BlackLocke and GodJack, aka the moment we've been anxiously awaiting for at least five days. The fact that Lost took so long to settle on a central conflict kind of hampers this episode's ability to convey a sense of climax. Is anybody really that invested in the Jacob vs. Man in Black deal?
9:22: Kate shoots BlackLocke in the back and GodJack kicks him off the cliff. Where is this going exactly?
9:24: Wait, now the characters are showing wounds they get in the main storyline in the flash-sideways scenes? Is the idea that everyone's respawning from the island into the flash-sideways world, first-person shooter style?
9:31: Sawyer: "Sure don't feel like it's over!" The contrast with all the happy people in the flash-sideways world kind of sucks the tension out of what's happening on the island, whatever that is.
9:35: I'm sure there are a lot of people that were thrilled to see Jack and Kate kiss and say "I love you." Not me! I remember when this show was a sci-fi mystery deal instead of a buncha sentimental nonsense.
9:44: Why did Sawyer taking a candy bar from Juliet trigger the crossover memory when the two or three scenes of him bantering with Kate we've seen in the flash-sideways arc this season didn't? I don't recall Juliet ever giving him a candy bar on the island, but him and Kate were sniping at each other all the time. I guess this is supposed to be some bullshit about true love, right? Maybe this explains why Jacob didn't select any gay people as candidates. Actually, if you think about it, this sort of makes Lost an incredibly elaborate allegory about the superiority of heterosexuality. Don't let me find out that the "defend traditional marriage" crowd was behind this show the whole time.
9:55: Now there's some crap about Hurley being the new defender of the island. Nobody cares! I wonder if Ben Linus is going to kill Hurley out of jealousy. Wait, is Ben Linus gay? Him being evil and all, that would fit nicely into my theory, if I could remember what it was that triggered him in the flash-sideways world. Or did that not happen to him? It's hard to keep this shit straight.
10:00: Now Kate's giving some reassuring words about motherhood to Claire, furthering this episode's quest to leave no stone of sentimentality unturned.
10:02: Jack puts the long stone back in the hole to try and stop the destruction of the island. This could also be seen as a visual representation of the civilizing power of heterosexuality if one were so inclined. As I am, seeing as it's the only way I can seem to get any enjoyment out of this episode.
10:11: Now Locke is going to Eloise Hawking's temple in the flash-sideways world. Ben Linus is there and he gives some sort of tearjerker apology to Locke about how he was jealous of him because he was "special." He also says that he "has some things he needs to work out." This seems to strengthen my Linus-is-gay theory considerably.
10:13: There's also a shot of Locke rising from his wheelchair and walking that would have been as poignant as it was intended to be if Locke hadn't been walking for THE ENTIRE FUCKING SERIES.
10:15: Now Linus is giving Hurley some self-actualizing pep talk about being the guardian of the island. Then Hurley makes Ben his Richard Alpert.
10:16: Hurley, to Ben, in the flash-sideways: "You were a good number 2." Ben, in return: "You were a great number 1, Hugo!" This is maybe the gayest exchange of dialogue in the history of dramatic representation. I'm actually kind of shocked at how robust this theory of mine is turning out to be.
10:20: Jack's dad is apparently alive in the flash-sideways? Is this the Man in Black's escape from the island or some sort of allusion to the similarly bullshit ending of Contact? And why is there so much crying in this episode?
10:23: Now Jack's dad is talking about the importance of friendship and some touchy-feely crap about "moving on." Apparently they're in heaven or purgatory or some such nonsense.
10:24: Now all of the show's characters are having an ice-cream social in the church. Lots of hugging is involved. How come Mr. Eko, Michael, and Ana-Lucia don't make the cut while Charlie and Boone do? Did Hurley, Sun and Jin fulfill the token minority quotient?
10:28: Notice how all the male and female characters are cuddling up to one another in a church, aka the only place where romantic unions can be consecrated in the eyes of God almighty. My theory will not be defied!
10:30: Jack dies on the island as the rest of the survivors escape on the jet. Roll credits. Brief review: this finale sucked.
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